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Showing posts from October, 2016

The hole in my life is where my new life will grow

I'm in between lives. The life I was living ended on July 12, four months ago.

Necessary parts of living have continued. I eat, I sleep, I get Gordon to and from daycare, I go to work, I pay bills, I tend to the house. I check on my little boy before going to bed and feel the pride of being a great dad. But very little is the same.

It's hard, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I have grief, I am grieving, but I am not my grief.

I spent so long being what I was doing that I'm going to have to relearn who I am and what I'm all about. I was Amanda's husband. I was Amanda's caregiver. I was Gordon's dad. Then I became a widower. But I'm realizing that those things are not all that I am -- I'm me, and sure, I do things, but those things aren't me. Okay, then, who am I? And what do I do now?

That's up to me.

Amanda's death blew a hole in my being. The aftermath made the hole bigger, more jagged and kind of infected.

I have some "good…