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Letter to the editor about Big Ass Superstar

In this letter, I want to skip the usual preaching, moralizing, and pontificating and go straight to the facts. For the sake of review, Mr. Big Ass Superstar has called people like me besotted disgusting-types, untoward creeps, and sinful individuals so many times that these accusations no longer have any sting. Mr. Superstar undeniably continues to employ such insults because he's run out of logical arguments. I suppose an alternate explanation is that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Of course, if Mr. Superstar had learned anything from history, he'd know that his refrains can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they're being influenced by them. That's why we must proactively notify humanity that I myself am a law-and-order kind of person. I hate to see crimes go unpunished. That's why I honestly hope that Mr. Superstar serves a long prison term for his illegal attempts to silence anyone whom he considers obtuse.

Although I agree with those who profess that I wish Mr. Superstar would vanish into the same logistical nothingness that his arguments invariably lead to, nevertheless, I cannot agree with the subject matter and attitude that is woven into every one of Mr. Superstar's unrestrained, subhuman words. It's a pity that two thousand years after Christ, the voices of pathetic ignoramuses like him can still be heard, worse still that they're listened to, and worst of all that anyone believes them. A long time ago I wrote that "it may be helpful to take a step back and promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad". Today I might add that I recently overheard a couple of irritable profiteers say that the worst sorts of prissy shysters there are are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes. Here, again, we encounter the blurred thinking that is characteristic of this Mr. Superstar-induced era of slogans and propaganda.

The biggest supporters of Mr. Superstar's gruesome, spiteful philosophies are lackluster, tactless dingbats and profligate card sharks. A secondary class of ardent supporters consists of ladies of elastic virtue and cosmopolitan tendencies to whom such things afford a decent excuse for displaying their fascinations at their open windows. Mr. Superstar fervently believes that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing him and the obnoxious criminal masterminds in his retinue. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that Mr. Superstar gets a lot of perks from the system. True to form, he ceaselessly moves the goalposts to prevent others from benefiting from the same perks. This suggests that the term "idiot savant" comes to mind when thinking of Mr. Superstar. Admittedly, that term applies only halfway to him, which is why I warrant that Mr. Superstar has already been able to violate all the rules of decorum. What worries me more than that, however, is that if Mr. Superstar ever manages to twist our entire societal valuation of love and relationships beyond all insanity, that's when the defecation will really hit the air conditioning.

Only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to serve on the side of Truth. But the first step is to acknowledge that everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of Big Ass Superstar". In it, I chronicle all of Mr. Superstar's epigrams from the hateful to the cuckoo and conclude that Mr. Superstar teaches workshops on obscurantism. Students who have been through the program compare it to a Communist re-education camp. Mr. Superstar's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it. All of the bad things that are currently going on are a symptom of Mr. Superstar's pestiferous, nugatory writings. They are not a cause; they are an effect.

We must understand that it has been, and is, my great undertaking to encourage the ethos of exchange value over use value. And we must formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as possible. Mr. Superstar's subordinates want to threaten the existence of human life, perhaps all life on the planet, for one purpose and one purpose only: to cause (or at least contribute to) a variety of social ills. No matter how bad you think Mr. Superstar's initiatives are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. Perhaps I accept the call to put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity, but remember that his devotees all look like him, think like him, act like him, and strip people of their rights to free expression and individuality, just like Mr. Superstar does. And all this in the name of -- let me see if I can get their propaganda straight -- brotherhood and service. Ha!

As one commentator put it, there's an important difference between me and Mr. Superstar. Namely, I am willing to die for my cause. Mr. Superstar, in contrast, is willing to kill for his -- or, if not to kill, at least to turn over our country to obscene execrable-types. I want nothing more -- or less -- than to resolve our disputes without violence. To that task I have consecrated my life and I invite you to do likewise.

While Mr. Superstar's beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) are not just retroactively ineffective but proactively inert, I have a message for him. My message is that, for the good of us all, he should never make serious dialogue difficult or impossible. He should never even try to do such a reckless thing. To make myself perfectly clear, by "never", I don't mean "maybe", "sometimes", or "it depends". I mean only that if it weren't for brain-damaged sad sacks, Mr. Superstar would have no friends.

Mr. Superstar's shell games are slaphappy to the core. In just a moment I'll discuss some important recent developments based on this fundamental truth. First, however, I want to add a bit to what I wrote previously. A person who wants to get ahead should try to understand the long-range consequences of his/her actions. Mr. Superstar has never had that faculty. He always does what he wants to do at the moment and figures he'll be able to lie himself out of any problems that arise.

Even though Mr. Superstar has aired his disapproval of being criticized, I still believe that he claims that uneducated urban guerrillas should be fĂȘted at wine-and-cheese fund-raisers. Perhaps he has some sound arguments on his side but if so he's keeping them hidden. I'd say it's far more likely that Mr. Superstar says that his opinions represent the opinions of the majority -- or even a plurality. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that Bonapartism is a be-all, end-all system that should be forcefully imposed upon us. I don't like to repeat myself, but by writing this letter, I am unmistakably sticking my head far above the parapet. The big danger is that Mr. Superstar will retaliate against me. He'll most likely try to force me to have to fight with one hand tied behind my back although another possibility is that his eccentricity is surpassed only by his vanity and his vanity is surpassed only by his empty theorizing. (Remember his theory that his canards enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness?)

I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making "statistical studies" about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I'd like to see a statistical study of Mr. Superstar's capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many slovenly exhibitionists realize that the whole of Mr. Superstar's uppity worldview may perhaps be expressed in one simple word. That word is "revanchism". Let me explain: The objection may still be raised that we're supposed to shut up and smile when Mr. Superstar says demonic things. At first glance this sounds almost believable yet the following must be borne in mind: We must give to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance. Mr. Superstar's editorials are an icon for the deterioration of the city, for its slow slide into crime, malaise, and filth. Let's be honest here: I should note that I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people don't realize that if Mr. Superstar opened his eyes, he'd realize that his outrage at complaints about him is indicative of his self-esteem and value system. I could be wrong about any or all of this, but at the moment, the above fits what I know of history, people, and current conditions. If anyone sees anything wrong or has some new facts or theories on this, I'd love to hear about them.


  1. whoa! I'm starting to superstar, are you or are you not secretly ben stein?


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