I was flipping through the teevee the other night, and landed on a show called Style By Jury on the dubya network. It's similar, kinda, to Extreme Makeover -- only more Canadian in terms of budget and production. They recruit a mark, put her in front of a focus group which, behind a see-thru mirror, criticize her appearance. Not viciously, just "honestly." Then they set the mark up with relevant aesthetic and lifestyle services. In this case, a woman had laser acne treatment, porcelain veneers, laser eye surgery, a new hairstyle and makeup, and spa treatment including some much-needed romance time with her fiancee. Looked like the lady deserved it, caring for a special-needs son and all.
Anyway, I got to thinking ... if I had a bit of money stuffed away ... which I do ... and I had some things I'd like to change ... which I do ... what would I do?
I consider my reactions when I see pictures of myself:
- Jee-zus, where'd my hair go?!
- Holy crap, I'm fat.
- Oh gawd, I have such goofy teeth.
- Oh, yes, I have glasses.
So, going down the list of solutions, I considered:
- My hair is going. I'll have to accept that. I've never been impressed with the results of other peoples' hair-replacement efforts. I don't want to look like "Spike" Gallagher or "Mel" Lastman. I may consider something for this eventually, but for now, I'm going to aim to embrase my Quibellesque hair pattern.
- The fat thing is thoroughly documented here. Surgical weight loss doesn't appeal to me. Liposuction is disturbingly violent and just doesn't sit well with me. We've watched a season of Big Medicine, and none of the stomach-reduction surgeries make me want 'em either. Getting un-fat is going to have to be an old-fashioned procedure.
- As much as it'd be nice to have great sight without glasses, it's not extremely high on my priority list. My glasses look alright, and they don't interfere with my lifestyle too much. I can see well enough that I can navigate around the apartment without them and not risk grievous bodily harm.
- My teeth. My teeth are goofy and gappy. There's the target.
I missed the "it's cool for adults to have braces" opportunity by a few years -- you probably remember back in the early 00's when it was almost trendy. Someone told me it was a Tom Cruise-led thing, which makes me glad I wasn't part of the fad.
My parents tell me they encouraged me to get braces when I was a child, but I refused. I don't remember that, but I'm not about to say they're lying.
My teeth are fairly straight. They're clean and in decent condition. They're just spaced a little funny. They're gappy and goofy. It's one thing that discouraged me from getting into television years ago -- I mean, you don't see many goofy-toothed folks on television, Letterman aside.
So, what to do? Braces can be in places for two years or longer. How would I feel as a 36-year-old with train tracks? Or more importantly, how would I feel as a 36-year-old with a gorgeous smile?
Braces are expensive. I haven't had a consultation yet, but prices I've seen suggest it'll cost at least $5000. I see home ownership in my future in the years to come. Would that conflict, or is it a reasonable price to pay?
I talk for a living. Would braces interfere with my delivery? Or would I adjust smoothly?
I'd have to change my eating habits. Okay, that's a good idea anyway.
So, those are some of the things I've been considering. I have a consultation booked with one of the city's top orthodontists. He'll presumably give me the low-down on most of those issues. I should probably get at least two estimates before making any decisions.
I'll let you know how it goes.
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